Dear Abby: I was in a relationship with my daughter’s father for 11 years. From the beginning he lied, manipulated and deceived. My family knew about it. When I finally had enough and left, my family decided to maintain the relationship with him (dinners, parties, camping, vacations). He’s not a good person. I poured my heart out to let them know how harmful what they were doing was.
That was six years ago, and they’re all still going strong. My family and I haven’t spoken in five years. My heart is broken. It can never be repaired; The damage has been done. I no longer want to have a relationship with them. My heart still hurts, and I don’t know how to get over this pain. Can you help? Suffering in New York
Dear Suffering: I’m sorry for the pain you still experience because of your torn family. I wish I could clear it up, but the person you need to consult (and by that I mean… Talk to) will be a licensed psychotherapist. Although the pain may not go away overnight, it may reduce significantly if you do.
Dear Abby: My partner recently allowed a friend to stay at our house without telling me in advance. My partner knows that unannounced guests take a toll on my mental health and sense of security. We agreed that I would receive at least two weeks’ notice of any visitors. This did not happen because the guest was having a difficult time.
Although I empathize and do my best to be resilient, I also realize that our home is not a healing center or a place to bring chaos. What I was told was that the short stay would turn into an open stay, and my peace was severely disrupted. Shared spaces were left chaotic, personal belongings were scattered throughout the house, decor was rearranged and boundaries were ignored. The guest even started moving items from the truck to our house!
When we all tried to calmly discuss leaving, the guest talked over me, tried to analyze me, and wanted us to work with his agenda instead of respecting our home and our needs. When they suggested staying outside in the truck and only entering at certain times, I finally said, “I want our house back,” and explained that this arrangement wouldn’t work for me.
What hurts me the most is feeling unsupported by my partner. This situation has created stress, and I am wondering how we can repair the damage and restore peace in our relationship and, more importantly, in our home. – Home invasion in Colorado
Dear Homeland Invasion: I understand why you felt justifiably invasive. You and your partner view your home differently. You need calm and solitude, while your partner is more open. The relationship is salvageable if you can talk and re-establish your ground rules. Can you do this to the satisfaction of both of you? If this is a one-time thing, leave it. However, if this happens regularly, you may need to rethink the relationship and make different living arrangements.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jane Phillips, and founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.