Key events
GOAL! Borussia Dortmund 2-1 Villarreal (Guirassy 80)
A ball slipped in behind for Fabio Silva, who slides across the face, and Guirassy, who’s never stopped making runs and angles, slides in from five yards.
GOAL! Millwall 0-1 Newcastle (Willock 81)
They didn’t threaten much in the first half, but Newcastle, enjoying life under Matthias Jaissle, have scored what’s probably a winning goal.
FULL TIME: Leyton Orient 1-3 Bradford City
I missed the clinching goal, but it happened.
GOAL! Real Madrid 2-1 Inter (Carlos Augusto 77)
Now then! As I was saying, Inter were knocking at the door, and Bisseck slips a pass down the side for Martinez, who cuts back hard, and Augusto snaps home. Game on!
Inter have run out of puff and hope – they were the better side for long stretches of this match, but now are doing well to keep the score down to two.
FULL TIME: Crystal Palace 3-0 Middlesbrough
An important win for Pierre Sage’s men.
Lovely from Madrid, Mbappe sending Vini flying through the inside-left channel, but Bisseck times his tackle beautifully to avert what looked like a third goal. And soon after, he leaves the field dabbing at his face, after sitcking his head in the road of a shot that denotes off Valverde’s laces.
GOAL! Bournemouth 3-o Lincoln City (Christie 88)
I managed to miss this goal too, but Christie has a hat-trick.
Bellingham wins the ball with an excellent slide-tackle, sticking Vini away, and he’s one on one with Bastoni but opts to slide square for Mbappe, who moves it one more to Diaz when he might shoot. Diaz, thogh doesn’t quite have the lane for an effort and should probably play another pass, but instead dips inside to create one, before passing a shot just wide of the far post. That ought to have been 3-0, but they kept trying to work the perfect opportunity and made a mess of it.
GOAL! Borussia Dortmund 1-1 Vlillarreal (Mourino 66)
A near-post corner and a really good header inside it. Villarreal have responded really well to going behind.
“You looked at your phone!” begins John Parry. “I assumed all Guardian MBM journalists were surrounded by multiple screens while dressed in full body haptic suits, generally thinking their thoughts onto the screen. Disappointed.”
I’ve got two screens and a phone, but I’m working on getting more.
GOAL! Crystal Palace 3-0 Middlesbrough (Kamada 72)
I’ve not seen this one, but we can safely say Palace are going into the next round.
Beautiful from Diaz, tricking his way past Bastoni down the side of the box, then putting the ball by Jones and racing around the other side before standing up a cross to the far post. Bellingham should nod in to the unguarded net, but instead opts to take it down, allowing Martinez to kick away. He’s had a really good game, save the crucial second goal he donated to Madrid.
Back in Madrid, just a few minutes ago, Courtois made a ridiculous double save, blocking from Lautaro then from jJnes – though the flag was up, he wasn’t to know.
GOAL! Sunderland 1-0 Hull (Talbi 71)
A composed finish, sitting the keeper down and sliding by him into the far corner.
RED CARD! Ethan Mbappe of Lille is sent off for an elbow!
He can have no complaints about that. Not so long ago, he provided a gorgeous assist for the opening goal, but now his team are losing and he’s let them down.
GOAL! Bournemouth 2-0 Lincoln City (Christie 69)
A corner to the far post and a header home.
Phew. Just before that, Nwaneri’s shot clipped Guirassy’s heels and hit the post, while in Madrid, Jones had a shot saved by Courtois.
GOAL! Borussia Dortmund 1-0 Villarreal (Renato Veiga own goal 53)
Ryerson dashes down the left, beating his man on the outside, and his cross clips the keeper, then hits Veiga first on the chest and arm, then on the foot, no striker anywhere near him. Whoops.
GOAL! Lille 2-3 Real Betis (Parrott 53)
Isco oozes through midfield then slips in Parrott, who chucks a couple of lollipops to lose his marker, then drills a low finish across the keeper and into the far corner.
GOAL! Porto 0-1 Manchester City (Haaland 47)
Cherki finds Fernandez, whose cross is headed home by Haaland, in off the post. Apparently there was a full and frank exchange of views in the tunnel at half-time; City have come out of it the better.
GOAL! Lille 2-2 Real Betis (Bartra 49)
Bartra’s on a hat-trick! A inswinging free-kick from out on the left, he races across the front post from further inside the box and, using the pace on the ball, flicks an excellent header home.
We’re back under way at Dortmund, the home side on the attack immediately with Nwaneri – who replaced Karetsas – swinging a shot just wide of the far post.
“This Liverpool fan finds it heart-warming to see former Reds Trent Alexander-Arnold and Curtis Jones squaring off at the Bernabeu,” writes Peter Oh. “The former’s Spanish language skills are well-documented. Can Jones match his compatriot with some seriously sexy, Scouse-inflected Italian?”
This also works the other way – in the mid-80s, Jan Molby became famous for his Scouse-inflected English.
“Greece have a golden generation?” begins Niall Mullen. “Presumably they are on the blower to Bobby Martinez as we speak.”
Ha! As it goes, I don’t think Belgium were quite good enough to win a tournament, but Portugal ought to have been and didn’t even get close. How he got that job in the first place I’ll never understand.
GOAL! Leyton Orient 1-2 Bradford City (Humphrys 58)
Bradford have come from behind to lead, but I looked away from my phone and at my fingers to check my typing just as the goal was shown. Gah, etc.
GOAL! Crystal Palace 2-0 Middlesbrough (Strand Larsen 53)
A cross from the right and a centre-forward’s header, the kind of goal we saw a lot of in the 80s but of which see a lot less now.
I got some chicken soup going earlier; it’s coming along famously, thanks for asking, and i want to eat the air in my house.
Champions League half-time scores
Borussia Dortmund 0-0 Villarreal
Porto 0-0 Man City
Lille 2-1 Real Betis
Real Madrid 2-0 Inter
Gosh, Madrid almost finish it, Calhanoglu carelessly giving the ball away to Mbappe near halfway and out on the left. He screeches towards goal as Calhanoglu goes his best to get back but he buys the sway in so is left by the sway out – quite a few seconds he’s had there – and though Martinez tips away the low shot that comes across him, Bellingham is on-hand to tap home the rebound. Except, somehow, Martinez saves again – though the finish needed lift or power, that is behaviour as sensational as his second-goal contribution was dunderheaded – and the ball loops just shy of Diaz’s stretch at the far post. Half-time.
Inteer win a corner, in it comes, Martinez is up … but it flicks off Huijsen’s head before he can make contact, meaning his header flies over the top. That’s a right touch for the defender – he knew nothing about it.
Our League Cup half-times:
Bournemouth 1-0 Lincoln
Palace 1-0 Boro
Orient 1-1 Bradford
Sunderland 0-0 Hull
Millwall 0-0 Newcastle
Surely we’re getting at least one shoot-out out of these?
Inter have played well tonight and, since going 2-0 down, they’ve fought hard to get back into things. But they’ve not managed a goal and you have to think they need one before the break if they’re to make a game of this.
It’s still Porto 0-0 Man City, but the visitors are on top.
Excellent work from Jones inside the Madrid box, back to goal. After good work from Lautaro and Augusto, he feints one way, turns the other, and swishes a rising shot which clips the outside of the near angle.
GOAL! Lille 2-1 Real Betis (Alexsandro Ribeiro 36)
Perrin’s outswinging corner is a goodun and Alexsandro meets it well, leaping high to loop a header back the way the ball came.
Talking of West Ham, they’re drawing 2-2 at Bolton after just 38 minutes while, in our League Cup matches, Leyton Orient took the lead against Bradford but were quickly hauled back, and that match is 1-1 at half-time.
GOAL! Lille 1-1 Real Betis (Bartra 33)
A short corner doesn’t work but the ball then goes back out to Fornals, of West Ham fame, whose cross is teased in towards the penalty spot, where Bartra meets it on the run, planting a fine header into the net.
Greece, by the way, might just have a golden generation on their hands. Generally speaking, this means high expectations and no success, but don’t be surprised if they’re a factor at the Euros.
Giannis Konstantelias, Dortmund’s other Greek player, is already sidelined for some time with an ACL tear; let’s hope Karetsas isn’t badly hurt.
Rank news for Dortmund, who lose Karetsas to a non-contact injury. It didn’t look serious, but it didn’t look great either, and he’s replaced by Ethan Nwaneri.
Inter give the ball away and Vinicius streaks away, sliding into the middle where Diaz touches off for Mbappe .. but before he can control, Bisseck slides in to pretty much everything you can without giving away a penalty. I’d like to see it again, but I’m not certain he got the ball.
John Toshack once said that 90 minutes in the Bernabeu is a long time. Inter may be about to find out what he meant.
GOAL! Real Madrid 2-0 Inter (Valverde 23)
Goodness me, what a mess. Josep Martinez in the Inter goal takes a pass from Pavard and decides away from home in the Bernabeu is where to show off his crafty drag-back. So he does, so Fede Valverde slides in, mugging him while he’s mugging himself off, and that is near enough curtains – after 23 minutes in which Inter have been the better side.
Also missing from Madrid’s midfield: a controller. I don’t know, the game changes, of course, but the team which won multiple Big Earses had both Toni Kroos and Luka Modric.
Vini is sent bouncing through the middle but Pavard times his challenge beautifully, sliding in to avert the danger.
Email! “Let’s all hope that Inter win in controversial fashion just for the post-match quotes,” says Michael Meagher. “From last Friday: ‘The Betis players are more streetwise than the Madrid players, who are very honest.’ Don’t ever change José!”
The Madrid players are also kind to small animals and fond of jigsaw puzzles.
GOAL! Crystal Palace 1-0 Middlesbrough (Strand Larsen 37)
Palace badly need a win, any win, so will be glad to be ahead.
Diaz is late on Martinez, lunging only to find he[s been chopped; free-kick Inter, on the edge of the box, and Calhanoglu will fancy this. He drills past the wall on its inside, but straight at Courtois, who again prangs to safety.