Some people are fans of the Arizona Cardinals. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Arizona Cardinals. This 2026 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.
Your team: “Oh my goodness.”
Oh yeah, those are the Arizona Cardinals all right.
Your 2025 record: 3-14. God, there were so many bad teams in the NFL last season. Here’s one that started off 2025 a glorious 2-0, only to immediately drop out of the sky after that, as if they’d been hit with buckshot from a 12-gauge. The Cardinals fell to 2-1 when they lost to San Francisco at the gun, with 49ers backup Mac Jones driving the field so that Eddy Pineiro, who had just been just claimed off the street, could boot the game-winner. The Cardinals lost the exact same way the week after that, when they came back from two scores down against Seattle, only to lose on another field goal at the gun. Then they lost the same way AGAIN the following week. But this time … this time around, they crafted their true masterpiece.
Allow me to set the scene for you. The Tennessee Titans are in town. The Titans are winless. Their coaching staff is a joke, and their roster is even worse. The Cardinals are up 21-6 in the fourth quarter, and are about to go up 28-6 to get their season back on track when OOPDEE! Running back Emari Demercado busts through the line to make a 71-yard house call, only to pull a DeSean Jackson right before he breaks the plane. The officials rule it a fumble, and the Titans subsequently score a touchdown on the ensuing possession. Then the Cardinals go three-and-out, and then this happens:
Arizona still has the lead after this extended Three Stooges routine, but momentum is gonna momentum. The Titans—who, I must again remind you, are utterly pathetic—use the final two minutes of the game to drive the length of the field and boot the game-winner at the gun. Tennessee won’t win another game until December. Meanwhile, Dadrion Taylor-Demerson, the Cardinals antihero you see in the above clip, is still Arizona’s starting free safety. The only people more ready than you and me to give up on the 2026 Cards are the Cards themselves.
Back to 2025: After suffering back-to-back-to-back heartbreakers, things got no more dignified for our desert heroes. They blew another fourth-quarter lead, this time to the Colts. They would go on to commit 17 penalties in a second loss to the Niners a few weeks later. They watched Seattle DT DeMarcus Lawrence house not one but two fumble returns for touchdowns when the Seahawks destroyed them. They lost on another buzzer-beater when Jacksonville K Cam Little nailed a 52-yard chip shot in OT to send them to hell. And they were swept by the division, because Mother Nature mandated it. The Rams alone beat these Cards by a combined score of 82-37, with the second whooping being a Week 18 affair that L.A. didn’t even need to dress their starters for. They did anyway, and had a good time out there as a result. I love that for them.
In the middle of all this, the Cardinals managed to bring the Kyler Murray era to a quiet yet somehow excruciating close. At one point, Murray was one of the most exciting QBs in the entire league. But seven years in Arizona wears on a man, especially when that man is already the size of a pencil eraser. Murray hurt his foot in October and was never seen again. Even when he was healthy enough to come back for the final stretch, the Cards were like, “No no no, we’re good. Mister Bidwill hates paying those injury guarantees.” So Murray spent the rest of the season in dry dock before being released a few months later. Arizona will pay Murray his full salary of over $35 million for 2026 while he plays for another team.
Oh well, at least they fired Jonathan Gannon. Let’s see who they got to fill his shoes.
Your coach: Mike LaFleur. The fact that he accepted this job tells you that he’s an awful decision-maker. The Browns found someone willing to take their head coaching job before the Cardinals could—that’s how unattractive they are as an organization. Every decent head-coaching candidate took one look at Arizona, went temporarily blind when they gazed at the sunlight reflecting off of GM Monti Ossenfort’s bald pate, and quickly passed. But Milton LaFleur, who served as Sean McVay’s towel boy a year ago, decided a job was a job. Morgan LaFleur was also the Jets OC under Robert Saleh for a couple of years, and look which other former Jets OC he brought with him to the desert:
What? Nathaniel Hackett? Aaron Rodgers’s therapy dog? Are you fucking kidding me? Why would you do that? I wouldn’t hire Nathaniel Hackett to flick a light switch. Well, at least he won’t be occupying a meaningful role on this coaching staff.
[an aide whispers in my ear]
They made him the OC?! What? Who does that? Who watched this asshole go one and done as head coach in Denver and was like, “Now THAT’S brainpower”? Ask this man to draw up a simple running play and somehow a bus full of schoolchildren ends up crashing into a ravine. The second this idiot walks into the meeting room and cranks up the Vertical Horizon, every player will whip out their phones. Well, look, Mario LaFleur must have at least found himself a capable assistant to run things on the other side of the ball. At least he’ll make an effort to improve what was the sixth-worst defense in football a year ago.
[the aide comes back]
HE KEPT THE SAME ASSHOLE THAT WAS THERE LAST YEAR? I’ve seen XFL teams with better coaching staffs. They didn’t even change GMs. Monti Ossenfort—whom I will refer to as Monti Awfulfart for the rest of this preview—is the guy who’ll get to preside over this tank job, and then piss away every valuable draft pick that results from it. Let’s see who the first phase of Awfulfart’s rebuilding plan is shaping up.
Your quarterback: Jacoby Brissett, who just got a raise, because what were they gonna do if he held out? Release him? Oh no! No, Mister Awfulfart, please don’t do that! I’d give anything to keep working for the poorest, shittiest organization in football! DON’T MAKE ME TAKE A BACKUP JOB WITH THE PATRIOTS, I’D NEVER FORGIVE MYSELF!
Brissett was the king of garbage time last season while subbing for Kyler Murray. For an extra 10 bucks, he’ll serve in the same capacity again this season. Behind him is Gardner Minshew, whose whole shtick got old seven teams ago. Minshew suffered an almost ACL tear at the end of last season, so God only knows if he’ll be in fighting shape for Week 1. If anything happens to Brissett, the Cardinals could be stuck with this fella:
Yes, that’s third-round pick Carson Beck, who arrives in town after spending 16 years as the Jacobner Minshett of college football. Needless to say, he’ll fit right in with this QB room.
What’s new that sucks: Free agent RB Tyler Allgeier came to Arizona this offseason, expecting to be this team’s bellcow back. He’d earned the right after serving as TD vulture to Bijan Robinson in Atlanta for the past three years. Then came draft day and SORRY TY, you’re probably getting even fewer touches this time around, thanks to third overall pick Jeremiyah Love. Yes, the Cards just couldn’t help but get in on the imaginary Tailback Renaissance that owner and sentient hemorrhoid Michael Bidwill has been hearing so much about. Although the physical act of picking Love turned out to be rather tricky for our good friend Monti Awfulfart:
Telephones—how do they work?
Did I mention that James Conner is still here? Did the ghost of Marty Hurney assemble this roster? Will they bring Mike Tolbert out of retirement to hop into this clown car? You don’t need this many backs behind Love, unless this assessment from the only person who loved Meet the Spartans is on point.
Elsewhere on the field, little has changed. Kyler is gone, of course, but he’d had one foot out the door since 2023. Also gone are DT Dalvin Tomlinson, ace KR Greg Dortch, and national treasure Calais Campbell. Reinforcements from free agency were meager. They include WR Kendrick Bourne to catch a few TDs, along with new starting guard Isaac Seumalo. Converted guard Elijah Wilkinson also returns to Arizona to serve as the starting RT after a spending a couple of seasons in Atlanta. Let’s see how Wilkinson conducted himself while saying goodbye to the Falcons:
“Lol, y’all in hell [right now]” Wilkinson said in another comment. “Have fun being ass next year… Have fun rooting to lose the NFC South. 28-3. 28-3… Haahahahahhahha laughing stock.”
You do know that the Falcons are the 1932 Yankees compared to your current employer, yeah? Wilkinson isn’t the only guy around here who thinks he’s made the big time:
I get why people like Kari Lake thrive in these parts now.
What has always sucked: Even with Seumalo around, this will still be one of the worst O-lines in the league. Poor Love will have about as much room to move as an inmate at one of Sheriff Joe’s tent prisons. S Budda Baker remains, for the 18th consecutive year, the best defender on this team by miles. And TE Trey McBride is still the WR1 in this offense because Marvin Harrison Jr. is afraid of the ball. If you watch a single second of this ash heap come fall, that’s on you.
What might not suck: I sense a repeat year for WR Michael Wilson being everyone’s favorite DFS bargain!
HEAR IT FROM CARDINALS FANS!
David:
Our piece of shit failson owner hosted Charlie Kirk’s funeral at State Farm Stadium. For a few hours the world’s worst humans gathered in the team’s stadium to mourn an internet troll, yet somehow the Cardinals’ collapse against the Titans in Week 5 is still the worst thing I saw in that stadium last year.
Nathan:
Every week before a Cards game my friend sends that picture of Bolsonaro where they’re pumping the shit in his gut out of his nose through a nasogastric tube. 100% hit rate for every game last season.
Noah:
I moved to the Phoenix area in 2000, and since then, being a Cardinals fan has largely been about finding a Cardinals quarterback who can save us from the current Cardinals quarterback.
Brooks:
They have 4, 4, 8 and 3 wins in the last four seasons and draft a RB at 3 like that is the final piece to push them over the hump. I’m so fucking numb that seeing Fitz sit behind a MAGA nominee for Fed Chair didn’t even upset me. Burn it all down.
Clay:
Last year I predicted a nondescript 6-11 season in these pages. Turns out that was wildly optimistic.
Having a QB room composed entirely of Immaculate Grid Guys and the Ty Simpson Consolation Prize doesn’t seem like the way to success. I’ve sat here thinking about what else to say about the team, and that’s more brainpower expended than the Bidwills have done on ways to make the facility more team-friendly or the stadium more fan-friendly.
Ben:
First, fuck this team. It’s a 45-minute drive on a Sunday to get from civilization (Arizona-class) to the stadium and the organization hasn’t put a product on the field worth watching in four years.
Bidwill managed the best run ever under Bruce Arians and then dumped him because Mikey didn’t feel he was getting enough credit. Arians went on to win the Super Bowl.
Jonathan Gannon arrived with a “you take the bus here?” whimper and left with a “we have to trust our process” whimper and a .294 winning percentage.
But don’t worry, the mastermind of Gannon’s defense, Nick Rallis, is still here. So the structure of the defense that ranked 29th in scoring and 27th in yardage is still in place. Many people here are very excited to enjoy the NFL’s fourth-lowest pressure rate and seventh-highest number of missed tackles again this year.
Gannon was replaced by the latest up-jumped McVay assistant and second-smartest LaFleur brother Mike LaFleur. The myriad profiles following his hiring emphasized what a good hang he was but were silent about his football acumen.
We spent the third overall pick in the draft on a running back from Notre Dame after broadcasting how for sale the pick was and failing to cultivate any takers.
The architect of this disaster is Monti Ossenfort, former personal assistant to Bill Belicheck and the final nail in the coffin of the Patriot Way in the NFL. Ossenfort was brought in to professionalize the front office after his predecessor resigned following two very public DUIs and Bidwill being publicly shamed for creating a toxic working environment.
Monti has exercised 28 draft selections in his time here. None of his acquisitions have merited as much as a Pro Bowl honor.
Their greatest asset, play-by-play announcer Dave Pasch, fucked off to ESPN.
Michael Wilson had 1000 yards last season, and approximately 73 of them came in non-garbage time.
We have the best TE in the league in Trey McBride, who got a massive contract extension ten months ago. This month, he appeared on a podcast (of course) and talked about how the franchise has no fans (mostly true) and the front office low-baller him during negotiations. The half-life of pleasure with this franchise is roughly equivalent to that of an avocado nestled in a bunch of bananas.
Our offensive coordinator is Nathaniel Hackett. When his hiring was announced, the team immediately communicated that his role was going to be minor and he definitely wouldn’t be calling plays.
This shitbag franchise is an underdog in all 17 games. No hope here.
Chris:
I’m beginning to regret that, twenty years ago when I was picking a team, I didn’t want a successful one because I didn’t want to be a front-runner. Mission fucking accomplished.
We are the shitty AI schedule release video of NFL teams.
Steven:
If I hear one more person mention Call of Duty when talking about this team, I’m going to brush my teeth with a cactus.
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