my dear my dad: My brother-in-law, Hank, has separated from the family. He is married with two children but has little to no contact with his mother, father, stepfather, sister, brother (my husband) or any of his nieces and nephews – except when he calls his parents to ask for money.
On the rare occasions that I see him, his wife refuses to participate in any family gatherings, dinners, or even photo shoots. There is always a string of excuses or obvious lies, and none of us can understand why we choose to stay away. It’s painful and confusing.
Since becoming a part of this family, I have watched Hank manipulate situations to get what he wants. He is very convincing and plays the victim very well. He has fallen into a cycle of not being able to hold down a job while trying to maintain a lifestyle far beyond his means.
I feel some sympathy, because there are clearly deeper issues behind his behavior, but the pattern of drifting in and out of our lives — especially my in-laws’ lives — has become exhausting. They’ve finally gotten to the point where they’re no longer willing to give him money, but I’m worried about the future.
As my in-laws get older and potentially more vulnerable, I’m afraid Hank will find new ways to take advantage of them. I love them, and it was painful to watch them be used and abused for so many years. Is there anything I can do? — Conflicted in Missouri
Dear conflicted person: Manipulating older people into getting money is called elder abuse, and there are laws against it. Although it may be a bit premature (since your in-laws are still mentally competent), it wouldn’t hurt for you and your spouse to consult an attorney who specializes in elder law and discuss your concerns, because crimes like this happen often.
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Dear readers: As anyone who has read Dear Abby knows, I have always stressed the importance of writing thank you notes. It’s time for me to put pen to paper. I have always considered you, readers, my friends. Thank you for accepting me so warmly as you always have and thank you for your willingness to share your joys, pains and frustrations with me over these many years. Your trust is the greatest honor I have ever received. You have taught me so many more life lessons than I have ever taught you.
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